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It's no secret that the holidays are an incredibly stressful time of year. Between the traveling, cooking, shopping and boozing, it's seriously a wonder how anyone maintains an actual paying job through the month of December (looking at these sexy Instagram ladies definitely helps). That being said, these holiday stressors are unavoidable! What are you going to do? Just not celebrate?! That's insanity. What you do have control over, however, is holiday dating, and in our professional opinion, you should avoid that sh*t at all costs!
If you already have a girlfriend, fine, whatever. We're not suggesting you go ahead and break the gal's heart. But, if you're single, now is not the time to start looking to settle down, because there are just too many variables at play. As we'll conveniently detail below, it's pretty slim pickens as far as appropriate places to get lucky over the holidays — whether it's casual or otherwise. Sorry, guys, you'll have to wait until 2018 to get back on the love train.
Your Office Holiday Party
Look, we can't tell you people how to live your lives, but a word of advice, if you're wondering whether to sleep with a coworker (or your boss) at the company holiday party, may we suggest a big, fat, F'in NOPE! While most adages are complete and total bullsh-t — "don't dip your pen in the company ink" — is a pretty solid motto to live by. Get laid somewhere else, guys. When it comes to the office holiday party, focus all your attention on not getting too drunk and telling off Janet in the accounting department (again).
The mall is perhaps the least sexiest place on the planet, and that's especially true of any shopping mall during the holidays. You know Dante's Inferno? Think that, plus credit card debt. No one is in the mood to be alive, let alone have sex (or at the very least meet a prospective date). Additionally, women are machines when they're holiday shopping — the outside world just does not exist. Ladies want to get in and get out, and not in the way that's pleasing to most men.
Ah, yes, the F'in airport, yet another circle of hell during the holidays. There's a big difference between traveling and vacationing. To put it into perspective — think of vacationing as the best cocktail you've ever had, OK? Now go ahead and think of traveling as the raging hangover from binge-drinking. Make sense? If you're looking to get lucky, the airport is quite literally the most nauseating, headache-inducing place to do it at.
If you're kind enough to volunteer (in any capacity) over the holidays, kudos to you! It's a selfless, admirable thing to do and any woman would be lucky to date someone with those qualities. That said, if you volunteer with the hopes of meeting someone and getting laid, well, you're an assh-le. Go on Tinder like a normal person. As far as karma points are concerned, one cancels out the other.
Your Parent's House
We've definitely written about tips for hooking up at your parent's house before, but, even we've got to admit, it's a bit too sacrilegious during the holidays for our liking. Sure, in theory it might seem sexy and risqué. But, in reality, your mother is downstairs slaving over a hot oven while you're trying to get off in your childhood bedroom (that's most likely plastered with out of touch posters and pictures of people you haven't spoked to since the mid-2000s).
We can't speak on SantaCon in any other city, but the Santa Con in New York is every bar owner's, and subsequently, bartender's worst nightmare. Imagine a sea of former fraternity brothers dressed as good ol' Saint Nick, uncontrollably roaming around the five boroughs and binge-drinking from sunup till sundown. It's bro-freakin'-central, so hardly the place to pick up women. After a certain point, the streets are just covered with vomit and tinsel — not exactly a panty-dropper.
Are you a descendant of Wayne Gretzky (like his stunning daughter, Paulina Gretzky? No? OK, so there's a strong possibility that you resemble a drunk baby giraffe on the ice. The only thing less sexy than ice skating is attempting to pick up women while ice skating. Also, think about, if she's not interested, she has a blade attached to her foot — you really want to take that chance, pal?
Christmas Tree Lot
Unless you're the saddest loser on the planet, you wouldn't be going to the Christmas tree lot alone, right? It's a pretty common family activity and, really, who hits on women in front of their family? They're most likely just going to make fun of you and set you up for failure (like they always do). If there's one thing we can attest to, it's that your sex life and family life should always, always, always remain separate — we're talking cheese and meat at a Kosher dinner, separate.
Well, there you have it, guys. We know it's not an ideal situation, and you would have preferred to read an entire article saying that it's possible to be a sex God during the holidays, but alas, 'Tis the season to be jolly — and forcibly abstinent.
Lead Image Via Getty