With 3.5 billion dicks, willies, schlongs, disco sticks and love pickles swinging around the planet, really knowing how your penis fits in with the rest of the world’s manhood would be one long, tiring and upsetting journey.
Instead of asking other guys to drop their kecks and use a tape measure, we’re all guilty of measuring up against the giant throbbers found on websites that don’t hang about in our internet history for long.
It turns out, however, that we might have been getting in a tizzy over nothing. A study has shed new light on the fiery debate, and it's good news for men everywhere.
Six inches has long been considered the average penis length of guys across the land - but it turns out that the true measurment could lie at around five.
Embarrassing Bodies doctor and FHM health editor Dr Christian Jessen has dealt with everything from tiny three-inchers to 11-inch whoppers in his clinic, and he believes porn is to blame for the misconceptions we hold about penis size.
“Porn would lead you to believe that everyone around you has a giant penis. Doing what I do, I know that penises in the real world pretty much all look the same length when erect.”
“The biggest male penis complex comes in the flaccid state,” Jessen continues, referring to us secretly comparing sizes with the guy that loves to strut around the changing rooms naked. “In reality, there is a lot of truth in the phrase ‘shower not a grower’.
The study also shows that big dangly flaccid penises don’t get much bigger when erect, and smaller ones grow much more. The erection is the great leveller of man. There’s not much deviation from the average size when it’s time for business.”
“What most men fail to realise is that a vagina’s depth is only 3 or 4 inches,” says Jessen. “A five-inch penis is more than adequate to do the job – I’d say the perfect penis was shorter but fatter. Evolution rarely gets things wrong, and penis size is supposed to fit vagina size. In Africa, where penis size is on average bigger, you’ll also find much deeper vaginas. It all works out quite nicely.”
To see if Britain’s fairer sex are as clueless about size, we headed to a lady-filled house party to ask what they really think the average size is...
Laura, 23, London
"6 inches. It's all about girth. Naming a penis is fine, as long as you do it together."
Ruby, 19, Brighton
"Around 5 inches. One guy named his penis 'Dirk' after our maths teacher. That really put me off."
Polly, 22, Hampshire
"4 inches? Is that right? I rejected a guy whose penis was too big."
Lottie, 21, Warwickshire
"6.5 inches. I once told a guy with a rubbish penis, ''Tonight's not the night.'"
Laura, 22, Hampshire
"I'm going for 4 inches. I hate too much pubic hair and it has to be clean."
Kateland, 22, Hampshire
"More than 3 inches, less than 5, it doesn't matter if he knows what to do with it."
Flo, 24, Brighton
"I have no idea. About 5 inches? It's purely down to how it's used, not size."
Maddy, 19, Brighton
"Somewhere between 4 and 5 inches? I met someone with a superhuman penis. It was way too painful."