Whenever I would get sick as a kid and stay home from school, I'd always end up watching The Maury (Povich) Show with reckless abandon—what can I say? I was a latchkey-kid, give me a break.
To be fair, I learned a great deal from Maury that I still apply to my life today. For example, I don't sleep with multiple men unprotected (or really, otherwise) because God forbid I get pregnant, I won't be able to determine who the father is without a paternity test and that just seems like a whole lotta f'in work.
The one segment of the show I couldn't stand was the whole lie-detector bit. Personally, even at the age of 8, I knew it was all bullshit and that really bothered me. How dare channel 11 spoon-feed me this pseudo-reality garbage! I wanted the truth, but ironically, I never got it from those episodes. Ah, such is life. I'm over it now. I've got bigger fish to fry! Like why does the Food Network INSIST on keep Cutthroat Kitchen on the air? Riddle me that one, will ya please?
Anyway, just because Maury lie-detectors are a joke, doesn't mean the real-deal doesn't exist. In fact, polygraphs (the technical term) are used quite a bit and if you find yourself in front of one, it's definitely cause for concern. Turns out however, there's a way to get away with lying to a lie detector! How meta!
As per MamaMia—"In the latest episode of This American Life, Doug Williams shares how he learnt, over the years, to beat the test."
"I began to doubts in the tests after a while, I knew I could control my breathing but I didn't know for sure how to control the cardio and the blood pressure," he told the radio show. "It wasn't until my friend came in and started talking about the pucker factor and tightening up the anal sphincter muscle when he was under stress."
That's right, folks. If you want to beat a lie detector test, just go ahead and clench your butthole. Simple enough, no?
Lead Image Via Howard Stern
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