How To End Things With Your Side Piece

In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to write this article. Then again in a perfect world, healthy foods would make you fat and pizza would keep you thin, so there's really no sense in agonizing over sh*t that doesn't exist. Here's the hard truth, people cheat. Here's the even harder truth, cheating isn't always a drunken stumble out of a bar and into a bed. Sometimes, it's a long-winded, deceitful, rent- a-room-by-the-hour, all-out affair.

Common Millennial vernacular will tell you that the woman you're having an affair with is your "side piece." Am I smitten with that sort of language? Not so much, but it's important to keep up with the times and frankly, it's better than slam piece, so I'll take it.

Unless you enjoy being a sneaky-lying-loser, you should most likely call it quits with this other woman (old school way of saying side piece) before you get caught. The following text is going to sound bad, but I'm going to say it anyway:

The concept of cheating doesn't exist without the act of getting caught. It's entirely possible to make a mistake, albeit one that goes on for days, months, or years, and still end up doing the right thing without anyone involved getting hurt.

So yes, I am condoning lying...to a degree. It really depends on the severity of the cheating, how long, why you're doing it, how it started, so on and so forth. Each situation is different! Don't shoot the messenger either, when presented with the opportunity to get away with cheating unscathed, I bet 99.8% percent of people would be down for it. People don't like punishment, it's that simple (unless you're talking about the strange sort of things Wall Street men do with dominatrixes).

Okay, so here we are. We've established that you're having an affair, or at the very least MORE than a one-night-stand. What do you do? You need to end things with this side piece without her flipping a lid and destroying the seemingly perfect life you've already done a pretty good job of f'ing up on your own.

I want to clarify that nearly all side pieces, KNOW they're side pieces. Some girls even take pride in that sort of petty, fellow-women-hating drama. My instructions will only work under these circumstances. If your side piece is unaware of her status, you're up sh*t's creek without a paddle, my friend. What would possess you to romantically juggle two women at once? I promise, NO man has ever done that successfully and any dude who says otherwise is lying to you.

  1. Disappear. I'm serious, pull a Gone Girl. Well, maybe don't go that far because chances are you aren't even smart enough for that, but really, you need to completely excommunicate this girl. Block her phone number, obviously. Then continue with all forms of social media, permitting you were dumb enough to let your side piece follow you to begin with. She'll be hurt, for sure. Worst case scenario, she'll be enraged, but women (at least sane ones) tend to calm down when faced with clear closure. It's the open-ended that drives them wild (and not in a good way). Some people will argue that completely disappearing isn't closure, but it really is. A smart woman will know that you're disappearance isn't as a result of death, or kidnapping. She'll know deep down what happened and will make peace with it in her own time.

  2. If you don't have the balls, or really the cold heart, to ghost her. You're going to need to have the break up conversation. Yes, you're going to have to formally break up with the girl you're cheating on your actual girlfriend with. Again, women CRAVE closure and this option is definitely the more conventional definition of that. My biggest warning here, do not do this in any location with a bed. This is not an opportunity for break-up sex, you don't deserve that. Be assertive, but not cruel. Explain clearly and not with cliches, that it has nothing to do with her. Let her see that you made a bad decision and that you know understand it's time to repent for that. Speak to her the way you'd want to be spoken to if roles were reversed and never EVER let the situation escalate to screaming. Things must end amicably. Anger and lust are very closely aligned.

That's it, gentleman. There's really one 2 ways to do this! Again, it will only work if the other woman knows she's the other woman, if she's not completely unhinged, and if you only have a girlfriend. If you happen to have a side piece and a wife, I don't have much to offer you other than this.

MORE:'10 Phrases You Should Never Say To Your Girlfriend'