How To Impress Her With Your Dinner Etiquette (Featuring FHM Girlfriend Aline)

Dinner dates can be a minefield. Do you wear a shirt? Should you split the bill? Are you allowed dessert? Luckily, lifelong food fan Aline (plus our relationship editor Girl On The Net) is here to tell us how to do things right.

1. You Lead Her Into The Restaurant Through The Kitchen, Goodfellas-style, Despite Not Knowing A Single Member Of The Staff

Aline Says: That’d be the most awkward date ever.

Girl On The Net Says: Pretty gutsy. The key would be pulling it off with confidence.

FHM Says: You’re not Henry Hill. Stick to the front door like everybody else.

2. You Try To Impress By Speaking Your Best French To The Waiter, Despite Not Knowing Shit About French

Aline Says: Stop confusing the waiter and focus on what’s really important – me.

Girl On The Net Says: What’s French for “cheeky”? If you can nail this in a funny way, I’d be putty in your greasy, peri-peri hands.

FHM Says: Mange tout.

3. Bamboozled By The Wine Menu, You Opt For "Once Of Each"

Aline Says: I’m not a wine connoisseur, so this would be a great chance to expand our knowledge together.

Girl On The Net Says: Being hammered makes for a crap date. Stick to the classic trick of picking the second-cheapest bottle.

FHM Says: A hip flask of vodka guzzled during trips to the loo should see you though any awkward lulls in conversation.

4. You Throw $20 On The Table And Say, “Order Anything You Want To, It's On Me”

Aline Says: Be a gent and keep your money in your wallet, where it belongs.

Girl On The Net Says: Don’t make it look like cash is your best feature. Money is never a substitute for having an actual personality.

FHM Says: Leave your macho posturing in the ’80s, with your mustache.

5. You Spot Your Ex At A Nearby Table And Waive Her Over In Hope She Talks Up Your Bedroom Skills

Aline Says: Don’t even think about it! You’d end up with my drink in your face.

Girl On The Net Says: Your date will be mortified. Plus, you should never talk up your bedroom game – instead, lower expectations so she’ll be pleasantly surprised.

FHM Says: Check, please!

6. You Insist On Recreating ‘Lady And The Tramp’ With Your Spaghetti

Aline Says: Unless you’re part of a Disney movie, playing with your food won’t turn up the heat.

Girl On The Net Says: This means you only get one portion of spaghetti bolognese between you.

FHM Says: Keep your food to yourself. If she wanted onion rings, she should have ordered them.

7. You Order Lobster Like A Big-Timer Despite Your Seafood Allergy

Aline Says: I’m most impressed by a man who can be himself. What makes you think I would want a big-timer anyway?

Girl On The Net Says: If you end up getting together, she’ll take you for lobster every birthday and anniversary as a special treat, and you’ll have to swallow its gross, spidery flesh at least twice a year until the day you get divorced.

FHM Says: Stick to steak.

8. You Secretly Order A Wedding Cake, Complete With Engagement Ring, For Dessert

Aline Says: That’s cute, but if you go there I expect you to get on one knee.

Girl On The Net Says: Proceed with caution. You don’t want to be the guy crying alone on the night bus, picking globs of cake out of his hair.

FHM Says: Tiramisu is a great dessert for two.