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How To Survive A Night In The Woods (Featuring Vogue Williams, Champion Survivor)

Planning a trip into the wilderness to find your inner self this month? Well hold up a sec. Super-hot Irish model Vogue Williams, a past champion of Bear Grylls’ Mission Survive, is here to guide you.

Help! I’ve run out of sausages to barbecue, but I have a giant rat…

“I’d trek for miles to find a shop, because I really don’t want to eat rat again. I tried to cut its head and tail off to make it look less ratty, but when you ram a stick up it, it just looks like a rat lollipop.”

I’ve still got room for pudding…

“Cannibalism? I would totally go there. We decided whoever the mosquitoes bit the most, must be tastiest. Turns out Dame Kelly Holmes would be first on the barbecue.”

Sh-t! I’m out of water, but need to pee…

“Don’t! When Bear made us do it, I vomited it back up.”

Darn! All my clothes have caught fire…

Get busy with the leaves. It worked for Adam and Eve, right? That, or pick on the weaker ones in your group and take their clothes.”

A tarantula bit me…

“Er, you’re in trouble. Find a hospital? The worst thing about tarantulas is, if you eat one without singeing off all the hairs, they get in your throat, so it closes up and you suffocate.”

Flip! A badger has clamped its jaws around my leg…

“Put a finger up its bum. I know that because I’m terrified a pitbull is going to bite my dog, and I would do it if I had to.”

Whoops! Somehow Big Foot has fallen asleep in my tent…

“Hopefully you’re camping with [Ex-England rugby player] Mike Tindall so you can let him fight it. He doesn’t feel pain or fear.”

Eek! You’ve found an old shed to sleep in, but the evil dead are awakening outside…

“I’d start up a leaf blower to startle them and then get stabby with a pitchfork. Survival of the fittest!”

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