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Did we really want to sit here today and tell you how to wipe your butt? No, not really. It wasn't exactly our childhood dream, but, hey! We can't all be living the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Somebody has to do the dirty work, right? In the spirit of trying to maintain some semblance of class — let's go ahead and call this a tutorial on how to wipe your buttocks properly. It sounds much more refined that way, don't you think?
A quirky lady by the name of Rose George penned a novel titled, The Big Necessity: The Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why It Matters where she details, well, the fact that most people are walking around with dirty buttholes. Yep, you read that correctly. DIRTY. BUTTHOLES. George explained in an interview with Tonic:
"I find it rather baffling that millions of people are walking around with dirty anuses while thinking they are clean. Toilet paper moves sh*t, but it doesn't remove it. You wouldn't shower with a dry towel; why do you think that dry toilet paper cleans you?"
That's very true. We suppose we never looked at it that way. In fact, we hardly ever think about other people's dirty anuses...maybe we should start? Maybe it's time to remove the blind fold and really tackle this issue head on! Are you with us?! No? We didn't think so. Anyway, Rose recommends a bidet. You know, the fancy thing in some people's bathrooms that cleans your area after dropping the boys off at the pool.
If you're not fancy enough to have access to a bidet, may we suggest an alternative? Baby wipes. They're good enough for humans fresh out of the womb, they're good enough for you.