A Cheap Man's Guide To Drinking Crappy Beer

Image Via Gawker

I guess you could say my love affair with beer began at an early-age, or at the very least, earlier than most. I was about 13 or 14 years old (sorry, Mom) when I thought it was time to start exploring the finer things in life, you know, like fermented beverages. God forbid I explored culture, art, or politics — I was smart enough, a fact of which was decidedly so by my straight A report card and mastery of sarcasm. I won't deviate too much, but word to the wise: book smart and street smart are NOT the same thing and, frankly, if you have to nurture one, stick with the latter.

Anyway, there I was doing my thang, sowing my wild oats well before the legal age. Granted, these wild oats I speak of were usually myself and four other girlfriends sharing a single, warm beer in someone's basement, but still, it was a rockin' good time. I discovered a lot about the booze in those days.

For starters, to this day, beer is the only alcoholic beverage I can consume without ever having to worry about waking up in a strange place the next day, nursing a killer hangover all day long. Don't get me wrong, beer gives me a slight hangover, it's just not the sort of loose-brain, pulsating skull, I'm going to shit-and-vomit-at-the-same-time hangover that I get from say, tequila, rum, wine, champagne, vodka, whiskey or gin. Beer is safe, it's fun, it's classic! It can be funneled or shot-gunned! You can play beer pong or flip cup or, I don't know, casually sip it with dinner — if that's your kink.

More than just being a fun, social beverage it has varying degrees of snobbery. Some people live and breathe by double-brewed-fermented-aged-hoppy-citrusy IPA BS and others are fine kickin' back with a bottom of the barrel brew. Personally, at the age of 25, I'm a middle of the road kinda gal — my favorite beer is Stella Artois. That's not to say I didn't do my fair share of slumming back in the day. Hell, if someone handed me a Keystone Light right now, I'd throw it back. Below I'm breaking down the who, what, where, why and when of America's shittiest beers on this fine #InternationalBeerDay


Busch Light

Natural "Natty" Light


* Who: College Bro Who's More Concerned About Studying Beer-Pong Technique Than Accounting


* What: I'm The Fcking King Of The World! Mr. Johnny College Who Can Drink Anyone Under The Table


* *
Where: Frat Houses


* **When
: Anytime You're Under The Age Of 23


* Why: To Be The Life Of The Party, Beer-Pong Champ, Break-Up Fights And Have An Excuse For Macking Everything In Sight


Keystone Light

Bud Light

Coors Light

Honorable Mentions:

More From FHM

In Honor Of #InternationalBeerDay: 19 Beautiful Women Drinking Brew

These Are America's 25 Best Cities For Beer Drinkers, So You'll Want To Plan A Visit If You Don't Already Live There

The Official FHM Summer Beer Guide, 2017