Look, at the end of the day, I'm not in the business of telling people how to live their lives. If you want to exist as a garbage human until you're lowered into the ground — that's on you, homie. The best I can do is offer advice, right? Right! In the spirit of that, I've been facing some difficulties as of late when it comes to my dealings with mankind. Not mankind in the larger sense, but literally man-kind — dudes, bros, hombres, amigos, gents, fellas, lads — you get the gist.
I don't want to be rude, because truthfully, I love men. I'm not not even in the romantic staring at your buldge sort of way, but in the way that makes me a guy's girl. I grew up with brothers, I respect male energy, I UNDERSTAND male energy, but I'm sorry Gentlemen, when in the fresh hell did the concept of basic hygiene become so difficult for some of you?!
If women can shave their legs, paint their nails, pluck their eyebrows, throw on spanx, and lotion-up all before 8:00 AM, you can SURELY abide by the following 8 suggestions. No, forget suggestions — ORDERS. These are ORDERS.
- The next time you're mulling over the fact you haven't been laid in 6-months, ya might wanna go ahead and take a whiff of your underarms. Deodorant isn't negotiable. POINT BLANK. If you're in 7th grade and still feeling insecure about the whole puberty-thang — fine! But that's literally the only time I'll look the other way. It's inconsiderate, especially when it's warm out. I've come within seconds of punching a few dudes square in the d*ck for smelling like a sack of onions on NJ Transit and that is NOT a lie.
Wash Your Face
- You don't have to shower, per say. But seriously, how old are you?! Wash your face freaking in the morning. Do you logistically know how much bacteria lives on your pillow case? A SH*T TON. Don't walk around looking all oily and gross just because you think it's too effeminate to fork over a couple of bucks for some Neutrogena face cleanser.
Iron Your Clothing
- This doesn't have to be done every morning. Technically speaking you can do it the night before or once for the whole week's worth of clothing, but regardless, it must be done. You look like a hot mess, believe that.
Apply Cologne Properly
- Let me take ya'll to church for a second when it comes to The Testament of Cologne Application. ONE light spray on both wrists. ONE light spray on each pulse point behind your ears and ONE light spray behind either knee (but only if you plan on getting lucky later that evening). THAT'S ALL. Literally, any more than that is gluttonous and you should be shot sight on smell.
Clean Your Fingernails
- I completely understand if you have a manual-labor job that involves getting your hands dirty. My father is about as blue-collar as blue-collar gets, but can I just say, it doesn't excuse your hands resembling that of a crystal-meth tweaker. Wash them, wear gloves, I don't care — there is no reason to have a solid, thick layer of dirt lodged underneath your fingernails.
Pop The Whitehead
- I don't really know if a dermatologist would recommend this, but if there's a blemish on your face that's literally SCREAMING to be popped — please, just pop it! Men don't have the luxury of makeup and while I'm sensitive to that, I promise I can look at nothing else if you have a noticeable whitehead on your face. Blackheads? You can leave those alone. Just exfoliate. Try some Apricot Scrub — works wonders.
Generally Groom Your Face
- If you have random straggles of hair all over your face, maybe just go ahead and trim those bad boys, will ya please? This is especially important when it comes to your unibrow. I have nothing against facial hair or hairy men in general, really. But there has to be a consistent flow.