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25 Pick Up Lines I Know 'Man-Bun Ken Doll' Would Use In Real Life, As Told By A Woman

Image Via CBC

Mattel, sweetie, I get what you're trying to do here with these new dolls, but really, it's not going to work. To diversify the classic Ken doll was a solid marketing strategy, but to borrow a signature look from a culture of entitled-IPA-mainlining-jerky-making-pretending-to-read-Catcher in The Rye-for-the-100th-time-asshats was just poor judgement. Seriously, I would have had a better reaction had ya'll stuck The Weeknd's former hairdo on there.

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For those of you who are completely lost, Mattel came out with a new line of 'Next Gen Ken' Dolls featuring multiple "Kens" with different body types, races, and as you can now guess—hairstyles. Again, solid idea in theory, laughable in execution. Well, only Man Bun Ken is laughable, I've pretty much dated every variation of the other 5 in real life, so I can't say much.

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Now, I'm not tooting my own horn here to suggest that a dude as fly as Man Bun Ken would even be interested in little ol' me, but I can say with the utmost confidence that I know EXACTLY what his pick up line game would look like. He wouldn't even try to overtly hit on women, he'd just sort of say pretentious shit until they caved in and listened—

  1. "Remember Vine? Yeah, I had a pretty big following on there, such a shame it ended, I really think I could have made it big."

  2. "The Chainsmokers wouldn't have their fame without that Halsey record. She's the truth, really."

  3. "So yeah, I just bought this new floral romper and I can't wait to wear it at my friend's Coachella-themed BBQ he has every Summer."

  4. "I really love Vegan girls, I eat meat, but Vegan women are where it's at."

  5. "I haven't watched television in 7-years, I mean unless you count Twin Peaks, so I'd never ask to Netflix & Chill."

  6. "I'm definitely not conventional enough to have my own YouTube channel even though I know people would love it."

  7. "I find my best poetry on Twitter or like, coffee shop napkins left behind by teenagers in AP English, it's less tainted that way"

  8. "My last girlfriend claims I cheated, but really, she just wasn't accepting of my polyamorous lifestyle. I mean, I never told her outright, but she should have just sensed the vibe, you know?"

  9. "I would NEVER destroy the beauty of nature with an Instagram filter, but I do use them for my bathroom shirtless selfies."

  10. "I don't think white men with dreadlocks is cultural appropriation."

  11. "Vaping is still a totally valid thing to do, I don't get the hate."

  12. "I mostly remained apolitical during the election, I figured worst case scenario, I'd move to move a farm somewhere in South American and live on a goat farm."

  13. "I'm extremely body positive! I believe all women are beautiful! Why, what have you heard???"

  14. "My vinyl collection is pretty dank. I get them mostly from Urban Outfitters."

  15. "Synthesizers are my favorite instrument."

  16. "Stranger Things was overrated."

  17. "I haven't listened to the radio since 2007."

  18. "I stopped wearing deodorant because I find my natural pheromones to be much more appealing to women."

  19. "I only smoke American Spirits—less toxins."

  20. "I wish I was alive during the 1960s, can you imagine being at Woodstock in 1969?"

  21. "I think if my life were being made into a movie Sofia Coppola would be the perfect director."

  22. "Who would play me in a movie? Hm, maybe Ezra Miller or Jayden Smith. Someone avant-garde and hard to capture with your basic Hollywood actor."

  23. "Ringo is my favorite Beatle."

  24. "Personally, I've never seen a man bun nicer than mine."

  25. "I wish the crowd at this bar had some more Vietnam vets."

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