Holy Sh*t! The Future Has Officially Arrived (And It's Kinda Terrifying)

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I can't put my finger on the exact day it happened, but has anyone else realized that we're basically living like the Jetsons thanks to all this new tech we've got now? People might look back and say it started when Steve Jobs presented the first iPhone, or the day the CIA operated their first unmanned drone, or the first time a fighting puppies video went viral online, simultaneously eliciting an "aww" from everyone around the world. Either way, the future is here — and it's terrifying!

I’m sure you remember watching Michael J. Fox cruising around on his hoverboard with his self-tying Nikes like, "man, I can't wait for the future." For the very reasonable price of $12,000, that could be your reality. What in the actual hell!?! Has anyone else been so distracted by, um, life, to not realize how absurd it is to live today?


Let's start with the fact that Apple has just launched self driving cars. Apple: the F'in computer company! Yeah, them. They just launched self driving cars, and it's everything nightmares are made of. First, it's cars. Then, it's all automotive. Then, we'll get little robot servants in our home. Before you know it, there’s a nation of killer robots enslaving what's left of the human race after "The Great War". I don't want to start any sort of hysteria, but, everyone run and hide, we're all going to die!

And, like a scene from Tron, everything is seamlessly becoming touch screen. There's a convertor that turns your forearm into your smart phone. That's just ridiculously ineffective — how is anyone supposed to drunk text with just one hand? Ladies will be lucky if they get a coherent "you up?" text in the near future.


Then, we've got the modern day Tony Stark — you know, Mr Hyperloop himself, Elon Musk — who's trying to send people into space and trying to get a high-speed train from New York City to Washington DC in an enclosed tube. The “Boring Company", Musk’s newest venture, is digging up miles of the earth's crust at record time and making way for something huge. What that is, we don't know. If I had to speculate — and, of course, I don't have to, but I will — Musk is building his base and preparing his metal suit at the core of the earth. He spent the past half year warning of the dangers of robots, only to set himself up as the greatest villain the earth has ever known.

The future is now, folks, so polish off your shiny tinfoil hats. I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t wait for that hoverboard.

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