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Noel Fielding Takes On The Legendary FHM Bloke Test

Can class actor and professional funny man, Noel Fielding, pass the FHM Bloke Test? Let's find out...

What's the biggest thing you’ve set on fire?
My head? I had to play the spirit of jam in The Mighty Boosh so I had to set my top hat on fire but my head caught on fire.

Who’s the last person you put your middle finger up to?
I haven’t really done that for a while, but I did that to some children actually. I like to do it to children cos when you’re an adult and you do it to kids they look so shocked and go to the teacher or their parents “oh my god, that man swore at me!”. It’s good messing with children.

What’s your favourite smell?
I can’t smell much, I’ve got a terrible sense of smell. It would have to be some sort of fruit I imagine.

What was the last film that scared the crap out of you?
I don’t like horror films, at all. I can’t watch them, they’re terrifying. Probably the one that really scared me was Blair Witch when that first came out.

Have you ever cupped and smelt your own fart?
No, but I had friends at school who used to do that sort of thing but yeah, I was never really into that. It’s one of those things.

What’s the biggest sandwich you’ve ever made?
I don’t really like food, my cooking is atrocious. I’m waiting for them to invent space food like a tube of blue shit or something.

Have you ever had a spectacularly successful session of DIY?
No. I will always pay someone else to do that. I’m not even going to pretend.

Do you own any coloured jeans?
I used to rock red jeans but that was a long time ago. I might have been photographed in them opening a spider or monkey enclosure at Longleat. But that was like 7 or 8 years ago.

Have you ever shaved a part of your body other than your face?
Yeah, I had to shave my chest as I had to get some prosthetics done for The Boosh so I had to get like a body mold and a head mold and if you don’t, then when you rip that off it just rips the hair out.

How do you behave at BBQs?
I’m pretty nonplussed at BBQs to be honest. The last time I was at a BBQ was in Australia and there was a black widows nest on the washing line and I was pretty freaked out by that. Me and Johnny Vegas were there and we couldn’t relax during the whole BBQ. I can’t eat chicken legs with a nest above my head.

Do you abide by best before dates?
Yes. I am pretty paranoid about stuff like that. I don’t really like food poisoning, so stuff even near the date is out, it’s gone. I’d burn the fridge down if I have to.

Have you ever shot gunned a can of beer?
Probably when I was like 15. Think I puked into a bucket for like 6 hours, so not really a good idea. I’m not really a big drinker, I like cocktails and champagne and I like the social aspect.

Have you ever wet your adult pants?
I don’t think I have. I remember wetting myself at school once when I was about 8 or 7 and that was pretty embarrassing.

What’s the most masculine thing you’ve ever done?
I used to play football, when I was about 20. I was quite good and played lots of semi-pro, sort of youth teams, thanks very much. Now I’ve turned my back on football, which was probably the wrong choice.

Have you ever put your penis through your legs and pretended to be a girl?
No. Never felt the need. If I was going to do that, I’d probably go the full way, the drag queen way. Would not be the first time wearing a dress.

7/15

A strong start but it all went downhill very quickly, Noel. Dust off that toolkit and then we'll talk.

An Evening With Noel Fielding is available on DVD and Digital Download from 16th November from UPHE Content Group. Pre-order from Amazon here