How To Tell Your Kids That Santa Claus Is Complete And Total Bullsh*t

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Here at FHM, we'd like to believe that most of our readers are 18+. That being said, some people can be a little behind the curve. For those late bloomers, we'd like to go ahead and state very clearly: Santa Claus isn't real. Again, we hope that didn't come as too much of shock to any of you. In the even you're feeling too emotional, suck it up! This isn't about you, you big cry baby. This is about the children! Your children! And how to navigate the slippery slope of explaining that good ol' Saint Nick is completely and total bullsh-t.

Some kids are wise to this fact in Kindergarten— you know, the especially insightful (or potentially sociopathic) kind. Others will go on believing that a fat man in a red suit is delivering their Christmas presents well into their middle school years. While we hate bullies, we've gotta say, an eighth grader talking about Santa is bound to be tormented. Please, don't let that be your child. We've come up with three strategies that every parent can use for letting their kid down gently.

Rip Off The Band-Aid


You can sit around and agonize over this thing until you're blue in the face, but, really, that's not helping anyone. You have to approach telling your child that Santa Claus isn't real the same way you'd want someone to approach you with "bad" news — straight up and to the freakin' point. Sugarcoating is for cookies and since Santa is fake, no sugarcoating necessary.

Slow And Steady


Some kids simply can't handle a blunt approach. They need to coddled. Generally, those are the kids who grow up to be complete assh-les, but that's not our problem, it's yours. If you have an especially sensitive child, we recommend dropping subtle hints every day leading up to Christmas, until finally, after they open their presents, you drop the bomb and make it official. Ideally, all of your hints will get their little hamster brain turning and they'll figure it out on their own.

Deflect And Make Your Wife/Baby Momma Do It


As a man, teaching your children about respect, responsibility, integrity, and compassion is all well and good, but you know what's better than that? Avoiding responsibility and making someone you love handle sh-t for you. Look, chances are your wife is the better parent. A mom giving 50% is still better than a dad giving 110% — that's just the way it is. If you kid asks about Santa, just deflect and make them talk to mommy.

Now, it's up to you to figure out which tactic is best suited to your kid. What? We can't do everything for you! You're the F'in parent. Merry Christmas, y'all. We don't have children, so, we'll be boozing, sleeping, and eating enough for a small family of twelve.

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