Image via Instagram/itscjfranco
She checks off all the little boxes on your list: She’s sexy, yet classy, loves all the same things you do — including Marvel (shout out to Ant-Man!) — and thinks your buddy Kyle’s lame jokes are "hilarious." She's so good that you actually think, “This girl is too good to be true!”
Sorry boys, that’s exactly right, she is too good to be true.
Women know that the fast track to the relationship we want is through calculated compatibility. If that compatibility has to be a little forged, well, so be it.
Now, before you get your boxers in a bunch, boys, be honest. Haven’t you ever told a little white lie to get what you want? Tell me if these situations sound familiar:
“Just the tip . . . I promise.” (Fool me once boys . . .)
“I don’t live with my mother. She’s just staying at my place for a few weeks.”
“Honey, I’ve never thought about your best friend going down on me. I swear.”
While all is fair in love and war, the difference between men and women is that we ladies tend to be a little less focused on the short game (sex), and a little more focused on the long game (getting you into a relationship).
That said, what lies should men be on the look out for? Glad you asked, because these are a few nearly every woman has lied about liking at some point in her life.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “But Cj, every girl I’ve seen on X-rated videos absolutely loves anal!" Sorry fellas, but most women on the Internet are getting paid to have anal sex — and if you plan on paying your girlfriend for anal, she’s not your girlfriend, she’s a prostitute.
While I fully acknowledge that there are some ladies who are all for the butt stuff (although I have personally yet to meet any), don’t assume that every girl is down. Chances are, if you’re the one that brings up the A-word and not her, she’s not really the one that wants to do it. Ah, cheer up boys. Life doesn’t close one door without opening a window (Yes, that was a sexual reference. And yes, I was talking about the you know what.).
Sorry, there's a time and place for everything, but please don’t surprise me with a close-up in the middle of the afternoon. Yes, we love your stuff, but don’t be misled — we love it because it belongs to you, not because we want to stare at it all day.
Despite what you may think, the chances that we’ll use your d*ck pic as our phone wallpaper is not very high. Just keep in mind, if we want the pic, we’ll ask for it. But that window is a short one, my friend, so, if you get the go-ahead to send one, do it quickly — just make sure you get the good side!
You think: “My girlfriend loves my best friend, Steve.” Nope.
Or: “She can’t get enough of my bro, ‘Lay-master’ Jay.” Uh, she definitely can.
Maybe: “Taco Tuesdays with Ted and Todd is her favorite night of the week.” No, no it’s not.
So much for silent judgment.
I get it, you all were buddies in college, you shared some wonderful memories over a keg stand and they understand you on a "spiritual" level. That’s all great.
However, no matter what she says, when you change the plans from wine bar date night to sports bar with the buddies, your girl will always be less than thrilled. You probably don’t want to participate in nail painting and celebrity gossip night, so, likewise, she probably doesn’t want to become one of "your boys."
Cooking For You
I know, I know, your grandmothers were/are great in the kitchen, why can’t we cook? Well, our grandfathers were/are great with tools, why can’t you build us a house?
Seriously, guys, if you ever have the opportunity to watch your girlfriend cook — and, there are exceptions, of course — notice the degree of confusion as she looks for the utensils she needs.
If she looks lost in her own kitchen, that means 99 percent of the time, her pots and pans actually live in the oven and only make an appearance on a few select occasions — for you to see how domestic she can be if she really tried, for when her parents come into town and after she watches Cupcake Wars and suddenly has a craving for some thick creamy goodness.
Your Sports Team
Do you really think it was some magic twist of fate that you met a girl who happens to love the Buffalo Bills just as much as you do, even though she was born and raised in Texas and has never even been to upstate New York? Wake up, guys!
Slowly, but surely, every girl ends up wearing her boyfriend’s favorite quarterback’s jersey to bed, but that’s only because we know how much of a mancrush you "secretly" have on that guy.
Don’t worry, we’ll be there for you after every tough loss, but best believe we’re not taking it as hard.
Look, if you really did meet a girl that happens to love all these things, I'm happy for you, because you’ve found a unicorn. Otherwise, just be thankful she cares enough to lie about the things that make you happy!
Oh, and a bit more advice — return the favor. Tell her you don’t mind the couple extra pounds she's put on this Christmas, keep assuring her that her best friend isn’t a smokeshow and definitely don’t tell her that she used to be third on the roster. In other words, be a gentleman.